


In Happiness and In Sorrow

by JustSmileStuffHappens (ksz13)



Series: Eddie Diaz Week 2020 [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Constipation, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Emotionally Repressed, Eventual Happy Ending, Family, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Feelings, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Forgive Me, Forgiveness, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Growth, Happy Ending, Healing, Heavy Angst, I Don't Even Know, I'm Sorry, Insecurity, Light Angst, Loss, Medical Inaccuracies, Memories, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Moving On, Past Character Death, Personal Growth, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, References to Depression, Reminiscing, Sad and Happy, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Sharing, Survivor Guilt, Talking, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:07:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24761278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ksz13/pseuds/JustSmileStuffHappens
Summary: Eddie Diaz Week 2020 : Day 2 - Mr. Diaz Goes to Therapy.Can you have a breakthrough without breaking down?
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Eddie Diaz & Shannon Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Eddie Diaz/Shannon Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Eddie Diaz Week 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1789354
Comments: 8
Kudos: 36





	In Happiness and In Sorrow

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this is, but here, sorry 
> 
> Also side note I cried twice while I was writing this and proofreading

**_In Happiness and In Sorrow_ **

Eddie shook his leg in the waiting room before he realized what he was doing and stopped. 

It was a nice place, probably designed specifically to help put people at ease even, but he still felt anxious every time he came in here every other week. More so today than usual.

Frank was a nice guy. Eddie didn't know him much but he guessed he was from what others said and what he'd seen. It just didn't feel right for him. This whole therapy thing. 

That didn't mean he'd stopped coming after his mandated two months were over though. Eddie continued coming after that.

It felt like he was punishing himself in a different way instead of offering himself up to get hit and punch someone back in return. But it wasn't just penance for what he'd done, Eddie truly hoped this would work for him. He felt like it needed to for both his and Christopher's sakes.

Frank finally let out his last client as Eddie was told by his secretary to please give him a minute to sort through things before he could go in the room.

Finally Eddie came in to begin his session for the day.

"Hello Eddie. Please have a seat."

"Hi Frank."

Eddie took his seat and let out a breath he'd been holding against his own will unknowingly. 

"Was there something you would like to talk about first?"

He offered a starting point.

"I'm sorry." Eddie said. 

"Sorry for what exactly?" Frank asked while making a mental note to write it down in a second when he had a moment.

Eddie needed his full attention sometimes to help get it out. 

"Sorry about- being sorry, I guess? For feeling sorry."

"Can you explain that a little more? What are you sorry about specifically?" Frank adjusted his position while making sure Eddie didn't feel judged by him.

It was a safe space and everything spoken between them was in confidence unless he or someone else were in harm's way by extension.

"Today is her birthday." Eddie felt his eyes water unbidden as he commanded them to stop. "Was-. She'd be-" he couldn't.

It was like he took a step back in how he'd come so far. But progress could be lost and it could also be gained again.

Frank took a breath too quietly for Eddie to hear. "That can be very- painful no doubt. Does Christopher know about today?" 

He knew it might be a challenge to get back around to Eddie once more but bringing up Christopher tended to focus him. And may be the source of this stress Eddie was feeling now.

"I don't think he does. It's been too long and- I don't want to ruin his day today." Eddie looked down at his hands in his lap.

"He may eventually ask, if he did, do you think you'd be ready for that?" Frank asked while writing down bits real quick.

"I want to say yes, but I don't want to lie either, I don't know. Maybe not." Eddie shook his head while biting his lip.

"You can only prepare yourself so much. Just to be clear here Eddie. You said you were sorry, because Shannon isn't here for her birthday? "

"Yes. I'm sorry she's dead. This is just another thing she's gonna miss. She missed so much. I missed so much. She'll only miss more now. Christopher's birthday. Him graduating. His first date that I'm dreading myself when he's not even freaking eleven yet" Eddie laughed and sniffed at that. 

"You can't change the past Eddie. The way you feel is normal but you shouldn't blame yourself for what happened." 

Frank remembered Eddie saying before he'd felt guilty for enjoying things and that he just couldn't let himself feel the good in his life at times. Now it seemed he was getting another view of the picture that made more sense.

"It's- I know people say that, I know that they're probably right, but I just feel like I shouldn't be happy. What right do I have? Everyone leaves Chris and he deserves better than that. He deserves better than me"

"Everyone deserves to be happy Eddie, and you're included in that. Now, you've said that you don't remember your father much from your childhood right?"

Frank waited for Eddie to nod and 'mhm' in an affirmative. 

"You each left for your own reasons. But you returned to Christopher. Would you say you're like your father in regards to Christopher? You've told me he was hardly around but you spend every second you can with your son Eddie," Frank thought he could deal with two things both at the same time.

"I don't want to be like my dad. I want to be me. I want to be what Christopher needs. I love him and he's the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life"

"From what you've said you aren't like your father. Him being too busy for you hurt but while you were away from Christopher you still kept in contact and you make up for it now. We have to unlearn certain things and grow. You've been doing just that."

Eddie looked to Frank like he was thinking and taking it in. 

"You feel sorry that you're alive and Shannon isn't. You're experiencing survivor's guilt. I've dealt with plenty of soldiers who feel the same. But you didn't have control over what happened, the same as them. 

"I guess I could see that." Eddie's throat felt raw even though he'd barely spoken.

Frank offered him to get a cup of water from the tank in his office. 

He waited for Eddie to sit back down before continuing.

"Knowing what you're feeling is a good first step. You can allow yourself to feel happy Eddie. It will not detract to how much you miss her or love her. Do you think that she'd want you to be happy? I don't need to tell you that your job is a dangerous one," He asked.

Eddie did love Shannon. He knew she loved him too. But somewhere along the way things started to fall apart. And he didn't fix it, couldn't fix it. It was like he didn't have the right tools for it.

"I think she would. But I'm not sure. I wanted her to be happy, but I thought that would be with us. Then she wanted a divorce."

The word hurt as much crawling out of his mouth as it did when he first heard it before.

"Alright." Frank knew their session was coming to an end and he couldn't rush things but with this opportunity possibly not returning soon he'd have to apologize to his next client. "Plenty of divorced partners can do great while co-parenting kids. You both could have been one such pair. If it were reversed would you want Shannon to move on? For her to be happy with Christopher and in her life?" 

Eddie drank another sip to stall for time. Frank knew what it was but didn't mention it. If it let Eddie feel comfortable in gathering his thoughts for an answer then it was okay.

"I would. She deserved to be happy. I guess that- I deserve to- be happy too. I- deserve to be- happy." Eddie repeated it.

Now if he could just believe it more but that was a process. A step no matter how little should be seen as the progress it was.

"Wanting to be better for Christopher is fine, it's good. But wanting to be and do better for yourself is just as good. You need to take care of yourself too Eddie or you'll have a harder time being there for others like you want to be." Frank looked at his watch. "I suppose that's a good stopping point. I'll see you at our next appointment." 

Eddie said goodbye and got up to leave.

He mulled over what they'd talked about. Even though he knew there was more he'd eventually have to bring up to Frank it felt good.

It wasn't easy but he'd continue doing it. Eddie felt like this time was worth it. 

-

"Dad where are we going?" Christopher asked while Eddie drove him away from school.

"You'll see in a little bit. You remember that mom liked chocolate right?"

"Yep. She said it was only better if it was mixed with vanilla like in those funny cakes." Christopher said while looking curious.

"Marble. It's called marble cake, and we'll see if they have that at the store."

Christopher looked like he was about to ask something but decided on waiting until they got there.

They got down together with the place not too full. People were out eating and still getting their kids so it was a decent time.

"Okay Christopher. Do you know what today is?" Eddie asked.

"It's Tuesday the 16th."

"Yeah. You're right." Eddie nodded.

"And it's Mom's birthday." Christopher bit his lip.

So he knew. He remembered.

"Which is why we're getting her a cake. You're gonna pick it. And we'll go visit her and have some. Would you like that?" Eddie asked.

"Yeah." Christopher nodded.

They came over to the bakery to see if there were any marble. 

It was both good and bad that they didn't have one. What was Eddie thinking with a full cake? But they did have a set of iced cupcakes that were marble. 

The baker on duty made a banner using syrup and edible paper. Christopher decided on the message. 

It read 'Happy Birthday Mommy We Love You', with a heart and wings in chocolate syrup ink. 

"She'll love it." Eddie told him as they paid for it after the baker placed it into the container.

He couldn't tell if the baker knew. Was it obvious? 

Before they got out of the store Eddie saw flowers and got some along with a drink for them both.

The drive to the cemetery wasn't as long as the trip to the store.

Eddie parked the truck and got the blanket he kept in the back seat for occasions similar to this. 

With the blanket flung over his shoulder and the cupcakes and flowers in his hands he followed behind Christopher.

Eddie placed the blanket out for Christopher to sit on as he pulled out a few of his drawings from class and the drink Eddie got.

He heard bits of Christopher's words to his mother as he set about cleaning her grave stone.

Christopher and daddy went to the zoo and it was really cool.

His new friend named Mira was his partner for an assignment and they'd made an 'A' together on a math project the other day.

Buck took Christopher and Denny to an observatory on his day off and it was fun. 

Eddie filled the vase with water before putting in the flowers that were her favorite color. 

He drew this robot that eats trash and collects recycling.

Chris read a poem he wrote for class to her as Eddie sat down.

Eddie couldn't help but smile.

"Christopher's so good in school. He gets that from you." Eddie laughed as Christopher leaned into his arm over his shoulder. 

"All of his teachers think he's amazing. I heard it myself."

He looked up at the sky wondering if their words would actually reach her. Eddie didn't believe in things like that much but he hoped she really was in a better place if that existed. 

"Daddy let me pick the cupcakes. They're your favorite. And he picked the flowers. They're pretty just like you." Christopher said while Eddie held him close. 

He'd hug Christopher for her and kissed his forehead just then.

"Can we eat them now?" Christopher asked while putting his picture under a tiny statue to weigh it against the wind. 

"Yeah. We can. We'll leave the best one for her, okay?" 

Christopher set about picking the biggest but also the one decorating best with the swirl just right and sprinkles in place.

They ate their few cupcakes while remembering the good times they had with her and talking about who she was.

"Hey dad?"

"Yeah bud?"

"Can we do this next year?"

"Yes, we can. Or something different, but we will. If I work then we'll come a few days after but together though, okay?" 

It felt good talking to her, sharing. It wasn't fair that she didn't get to see it with her own eyes but- Eddie had to start accepting it, even if he didn't want to.

He could enjoy the good times he had with Christopher. They wouldn't love her any less or forget she was a part of them.

Christopher took a sip of his drink before talking. "Dad. Can I tell mom something while you put up the stuff?" 

"I- okay. I'll come get you once you tell me to, alright?" 

Eddie wasn't sure about it but Christopher was growing up and he had to let go a little while trusting Christopher knew he could share things with him.

As he packed in the blanket and the backpack then threw away the cupcake container Christopher whispered while looking at Shannon's grave. 

He could only guess what Christopher was saying to her that he didn't want Eddie to hear.

Was it about him? Was it about them? Was it about Christopher? Was he asking her about heaven? Was he telling her what had happened since she'd died?

He couldn't know, wouldn't know until Christopher told him. If he ever did.

Christopher looked back from the grave with a wide smile on.

Eddie got out of the truck with the door open ready for Chris.

"Ready to go home?"

"Yeah." He nodded coming over.

With Christopher buckled in they set out for the house. Eddie would call the curator to throw away the cupcake they left later if an animal didn't get to it first. 

He was at a red light with the music on the radio low when Christopher spoke again.

"I told mom she didn't have to worry. That we'd look out for each other, like you said." Christopher told him.

Eddie was thankful he wasn't driving just then. It might have startled him into jerking. He answered Christopher quickly.

"Yeah. You're right Christopher." He smiled back at his son before a car behind him honking got his attention. "Be patient."

Christopher didn't know that it was directly at himself and not the other driver.

He took off from the stop and didn't let them coax him into being angry and flip them off.

As the other driver took off in their own direction, Eddie and Chris came to their street.

He looked in his rear view mirror.

Eddie felt so proud that he got to call this wonderful boy his son. 

They were going to be okay. He'd make sure of it. They both would. They had each other.

  
  
  
  



End file.
